Posts
I'm going to write a post about my life now and my life before, as I got a request for doing that. Also, I haven't told you so much about my story, I've been too focused on saying "haram, haram, haram." I know that might be a bit too much and discouraging in the long run, so I'll try to be a bit more varied. However, I have tried, for example by the post about Rabi'a! If you didn't read it, I recommend you to do it.
So, how has my life changed?
Well, when I was younger I had a lot of problems. Already when I started in 1. grade in school, my problems begun. I didn't have many friends and I was bullied. I tried to not care, but deep inside I was hurt and I longed to be accepted. I got a so-so relationship with my fellow pupils, not all of them were that bad, but I didn't have any real friends. When I grew up the same continued, as I was in the same class for 7 years in primary school, but as we grew I could start to call a couple of them my friends. I knew though, that some of them went behind my back and talked bad about me and pretended to be nice. I don't know why all of this, I hadn't done anything bad, and I was a normal pupil like them. I was a shy person and I just tried to focus in my studies. I also used the internet a lot and chat programs, when I was just around 10.
I was too young to know anything about the dangerous things with the internet and the bad people there; how to talk and how to behave. But I needed someone who was willing to talk with me and accept me as I was, so when people said to me asl? I told them the truth, I never lied about my age or my name or anything else. This was really bad, and I remember one time a man suddenly said to me that he wanted to flee with me to Sweden, and that he would come in the night. All of this after I had told him my age and my name and my town (which is a small one), you can't imagine how afraid I was that night, but I didn't tell anyone about it. I had an OK relationship with my parents, but not a relationship where I told them everything in my life and my concerns etc. I was 10, trying to sleep, but only imagining bad things in my head and what I would do if the man showed up. Alhamdullilah he didn't, but I just wanted people to accept me.
At the end of primary school I had a couple of friends but I lost them when we started middle school. I also played handball for 7 years, so some of them I met there as well. The atmosphere was not always nice in our team, not just because of me, there were other people who also had problems with each other, but it wasn't really that bad.
I wanted badly to be accepted and I made friends with someone in the team that wasn't in my school. Nobody in my class really liked them, and when they talked bad about them in school I went to tell them when I saw my friends. This caused bad vibes between my school mates and my friends from my team. I hoped that they would accept me as a better friend, if I helped them in this. I've been back and forth, in periods I felt one of my class and that I had people I could ask for help, other times I felt very alone and that nobody really wanted me. This attitude made me become a very cold person, and I ignored what others said and meant, and I was calm to everything. I never cried, and I was never angry. Everything I left it alone and I minded only my own business. Any comments, I simply didn't care.
This continued in middle school. I had a couple of real friends there, but the people I knew before, some of them threatened me. Some days I was afraid to go to school, but I just walked by some people I had an OK relationship with and I tried to ignore the bad girls. This caused me to increase my cold attitude, and to think that I don't care about anyone, they are just silly and stupid. If they try on anything, I can hurt them more than they can hurt me. I can fight them, if that's what they want. I was aggressive, but only inside. Sometimes I tried to find things to do with my OK friends, but it was always me that was asking, they never asked, so eventually I felt I was just bothering them and I left the responsibility to them. If they wanted to hang out with me, they would let me know.
Because of this, I had a lot of bad thoughts right before, and during middle school. At some points I tried to hack some of my old school mates' accounts in MSN messenger and Hotmail, and I talked with their contacts and made problems between them. First nobody really knew who had made this, but then someone made a rumour that it was me. I just denied it. But they said who else could it be, I was the one who had helped a couple of them to make the account in the first place. I just continued my denial and I said, I'm not bad nor stupid like that. Why would I make that? Are you sure nobody else knows or found out your password?
As most things, this also passed and became forgotten, but deep inside I felt sorrow and I was hurt. I appeared "cold and cool" on the outside, but inside I felt bad. I often thought about suicide. I was not really depressed in that sense, but my thoughts occasionally came to suicide. I wrote it in my diary. Some days I wrote about this, other days I wrote about my future, far from these people and this country, and that I would move to Australia, live alone in a good flat, have a good car and life, and a good carrier. Not care about anyone. This was just an imagination, to try to forget the bad things. Some days I tried to walk on the way where the trains go, and I wished a train would come and drive over me. Other times when I was crying (and then I hadn't been crying for maybe a year), I took the scissor and I held it over my wrist and I just wanted to end everything. But I couldn't.
In this period, my parents also got a new baby. I had a brother that was three years younger than me, but now my parents got a daughter that was thirteen years younger than me. I hated the idea, and I despised the new baby. I didn't support my mom and I spent a lot of time in my room. The baby came one day I was in school. After a couple of days they returned home and I didn't even come to tell them hi. I remained in my room with my bad thoughts. I was sad, and I thought why do they need another daughter. Am i not enough? Are they disappointed by me, so they want to give it another try with my sister? Am I bad? All of this came to my mind and inside I was depressed but outside I was cold. My parents attention came much on the new baby, they didn't ignore me and my brother, but she required the most from my parents in this period. That caused me to go back to the net to find people who would accept me and would give me attention. Because of that I made many bad mistakes. I will not go into it in detail here. But I talked with a lot of men, even some girls, I sent them photos and had my cam etc. You can think for yourself. I talked to people from all different countries.
I was only 13. I was used, but for some time, only those minutes with attention was enough for me to feel that the world sees me and the world cares about me. Eventually I felt bad from what I did, and I started to think about the consequences. What could people do with my pictures? What if someone took pictures when I was on the cam? What if someone I know will find out? Alhamdullilah nobody found out my secret, and still a few people know it today. I stopped the camera, but I still talked with a lot of people. This continued for a couple of years, but eventually I deleted the bad people and remained with the good (read: better) people.
I grew, and I learnt. I had a few friends, and some friends abroad, but never a real best friend or someone I tell everything. I finished the first year of high school and in the summer everything came back to me. I was 16 and I got a breakdown. I cried and cried, and I hadn't been crying for like 2 years. I had kept all my feelings inside to have the attitude that nothing affects me and I don't care about anything. But now i couldn't control myself and I felt so bad. I cried for days without reason. At least I couldn't find any particular reason, but I think the reason was everything that had happened to me over the past years. I was really down, and I talked to some of my online friends about my problem. They advised me to read about religion, because all my life I didn't believe in any god, I hated religions and I thought it was stupid. I just believed in science. But at this point I was desperate, and I thought why not? I rented books from the library and my journey began.
Story continues ...
No comments:
Post a Comment