My Story Continues Part 2

Maybe you ask, why did I tell you about my sins when Allah (subhana wa ta'ala) had concealed it? Well, because this is the past, this is from before I became Muslim, I was young and inexperienced, and I tell this to make you see what Islam did to me.

I started to read about religion, not only about Islam, but it was Islam that I knew least about. I had learnt the basics and principles of all religions in school, but I always hated this subject and I never cared. Now I was reading about religion, I couldn't believe myself. I was just looking for a meaning, because suddenly I felt empty inside after all my crying. I only read about the monotheistic religions, because Buddhism and Hinduism made no sense to me. If there was a god, the most logical could only be that it was one god, and not a thousand.

I knew about Christianity from before, since Norway is a Christian country. I tried to learn something more about Judaism, but there was things in it that didn't quite make sense, and I went away from it. Eventually, when I started to compare Christianity and Islam a lot of things with Christianity didn't make sense either. If there is a god, why did he have to send his son to save humankind and cleanse them for their sins? I mean, he is GOD. He can do anything, He doesn't need to send someone to die on the cross for being able to forgive our sins. This simply just limited the power of God, and how can God's power be limited? He created the universe! How can He not forgive a person's sins?

Hence, I eventually only focused in Islam. I had yet not found anything contradictory there, although I was reading it thoroughly and reflecting on what I read. I'm not naïve. I ignored the media, because I know the media is biased, and I knew that I had to look beyond it to find the truth about, not just Islam, but any religion. I read the history of Islam, the principles of Islam, short biographies of Prophet Muhammed (sallalahu 'alayhe wa sallam), convert stories. Eventually I also read the Norwegian translation of the Quran, because I had read a lot of times that the Quran was written in a special way. Earlier I had tried to read some of the New Testament, but it really didn't interest me. The Quran was something else. It fascinated me, and once I had started reading, it was hard to stop. It really was special, and any question I had could be answered. I didn't know of anything contradictory in there, and I started to believe that there must be something more in this world, there must be a god.

At this time I had move by myself. I lived in another town approximately 1, 5 hour from my parents. I did this because I started the International Baccalaureate Diploma Programme, and they didn't have this in my town. I had my own flat, and I made friends with a girl in my class that lived just two streets down from me. She was also from another town, not too far from my hometown.

It was strange to live alone in the beginning, but I liked it. There was no noise and nobody telling me what to do. If I wanted to go out, I could, and I could go at any time I wanted and return at any time. The feeling of freedom was great. I didn't have so many friends there either, but I had some, and even if they were not considered as best friends, they were definitely not false friends!

In this period I started to feel better and I was continuing reading the Quran in my spare time. I also checked different webpages about Islam and I researched any question I had. What surprised me, was that any question I had about normal daily life matters (like, is music haram? is eating fish haram?) could be answered through looking at sources from the Quran and ahadith. The Quran must really be the word of God. When I finished reading my faith had grown and I felt that Islam must be right and that I wanted to become Muslim. The question was how and when.

I was worried about the changes I needed to do in my life if I became Muslim. I was alone in this town, I didn't know any Muslims there, and I needed to find out everything on my own. I had some of my online friends and eventually my boyfriend as well, but that's all. What I was most worried about was how my family would react. I was afraid to tell them. Someone said to me that if I knew that Islam was right, and I wanted to become Muslim, there was no reason to wait. I should do it now, because nobody knows when their life is over.

In the summer of 2009 I said the shahadah and I converted. I felt so good after it, and I felt I had finally found the meaning I had been looking for. The emptiness inside me was filled. After this I continued to read and learn more about Islam. I saw that prayer was important, but it was very difficult for me to learn it alone. I waited until the winter of 2009 when I went to Egypt, and my friend and my boyfriend taught me how to pray. After that I prayed 5 times everyday.

I wanted to be a good Muslim, and Islam really softened me. I knew all my past sins were forgiven and I had received a new start from Allah (subhana wa ta'ala). I became more aware of how I dressed (I didn't wear hijab yet), but I didn't wear very little clothes or very revealing clothes. I started to deleted all the boys in my contact list, I begun to help my parents more and listen to them more and not being aggressive toward them, I tried to avoid eating pork (which was very difficult because my parents didn't know I was Muslim yet), I tried to listen to Quran and decrease my music and I started to get my feelings back. I started to care about other people and love to help other people. I became more generous, I realised my mistakes from the past. I was not a cold person any more, now I did my best to help others. Hence, I signed up to work in the refugee volunteer services for Red Cross and I also joined the group at school working for a better school environment. I became a completely different person.

I tried to advice people the best way I could and focus in my studies. I got rid of the past, which sometimes hurt me. I was thinking how stupid I was, and how I did that to myself. How I wanted to kill myself? Alhamdullilah Allah (subhana wa ta'ala) made me too weak to commit suicide, then I would've been destined to Hell for eternity. I was grateful to Allah (subhana wa ta'ala) for having guided me and that I got the interest to learn about Islam, and that He gives me the possibility to become a good Muslim.

By time I was thinking that I need to tell my parents about my conversion. I can't hide it forever, and I was stronger in my faith. About 10 months after my conversion I told them. I sent my mother an e-mail and I explained to her everything, why I had converted, how it happened etc. She forwarded it to my father. I can't say they were happy, but they were not angry either. They accepted my decision. I was still afraid to tell my grandparents, especially the parents of my father, because they are Christian and I know my grandmother would not take it easy. She is one of those who looks in the TV and newspaper and thinks that all Muslims are terrorists and all Muslims are oppressors. She confuses religion with tradition and culture. And then you have those extremists.

A couple of months after I had told my parents, in June 2010 I had an interview in VG (the biggest Norwegian paper.) A discussion was going on whether hijab should be forbidden in primary school, and I had commented on a blog about this topic, and then a reporter in VG had seen it and asked if I wanted to make an interview about my conversion and my opinion on hijab. I told him yes, and so I did. The interview was quite successful, but the problem was that my grandparents still didn't know I was Muslim and if they read the newspaper the day after they would be shocked.

Thus, I sent them an SMS. The parents of my mother were a little surprised, but they accepted my choice. However, they said that if I one day regret, they hoped that I could change my mind without trouble. My father's mother, didn't take it very easy. She started to cry and almost hyperventilated, my grandfather couldn't calm her down, so my dad went over. He tried to talk with her, but nothing really seemed to work. She told him things like "This is the worst thing that could have happened in life." She spoke like it wouldn't have been worse if someone had died. My dad was not very happy when he returned home because of the way I had told them. I think, however, that even if I told her in person the same would've happened. I was actually afraid she would've thrown me out of the house.

The day after I went to see her. She didn't look good at all, she had been crying all the time and almost hadn't slept nor eaten. She just looked at me and said: "So now you are Muslim?" I said to her: "Yes." After a couple of minutes' pause she said: "How did that happen?" I told her you can read the e-mail I sent to my parents a couple of months ago, it will explain everything. She read it and gave it to my grandfather. My grandfather is not the same, he is more open-minded and sensible, and he accepted my decision. Just my grandmother always thinks the worst thing.

After some minutes of thinking from her side, she asked me what's wrong with Christianity? I started to explain to her my view, and we begun a discussion. Then she asked me about the bad things she always sees in the TV; Suicide bombers, men who oppress women etc, and I told her that you need to make distinction between religion and culture, and to know the truth about religion you need to read and study it yourself. From this day everything became better again, and now we never speak about my religion again. She has just accepted it, because there is nothing she can do, and she knows I'm stubborn. After the summer I decided to go to Egypt to learn more about how some Muslims live and be with my boyfriend.

Story continues ...